Do you feel guilty saying no to people? Are you constantly concerned about others’ problems, needs or concerns that you are unable to concentrate on yourself? Do you allow other opinions to get under your skin? Do you find yourself ALWAYS explaining yourself to other people?
If you can relate to any of the questions listed above, chances are you are a “people pleaser”.
I can definitely relate, as I am a recovering people pleaser. I am not sure if it is an occupational hazard or if this is something that I was born with. Either way, it was definitely a hindrance. Once I realized my need to “please” others, was having a negative impact on my life, I began actively working on saying yes to myself: Here are a few tips that have helped me over the years.
1. Practice saying no
Sometimes saying NO is saying YES to your self. Contrary to what some people may say, it is not a selfish act, rather a necessary one. This will be a difficult thing to practice at first because it will require you to actively work against the old pattern you’ve always followed. You could start by saying no to something small or an insignificant request (i.e., a friend calls you and asks you for a “small favor” that will most assuredly take more time than he/she said. You could say something like: “ I would really like to help you, but right now isn’t a good time, but I can help you’’….. (give a date and time when YOU are available). Just don’t forget to circle back to them when you said.
I am not saying that if someone is experiencing a true emergency or situation that you should not help. However, I am saying that all too often we get bogged down by others requests and sense of urgency, that we may feel obligated to please them by sacrificing ourselves.
2. Spend time promoting and doing things that interest you.
This will force you to see yourself as a priority and to think about what is important to you and your life. When you do this, you are prioritizing your needs. You will soon begin to trust and feel more comfortable with your own decisions. Once you’ve decided what you’ve discovered as your purpose, focus on it, and spend time actualizing it every day. There will be plenty of time to help others but only after you have helped yourself first.
3. Disconnect from the electronic devices that bind at least 1 x per day.
Place all devices in the do not disturb mode and disconnect from all social media, text messaging, emails, and calls. All-day we are constantly plugged in whether we want to be or not. Whether it’s receiving news alerts or social media alerts we have become beholden to being plugged in real-time. We may sometimes feel guilty about powering down or silencing our devices because of the ‘’what if’s’’: “What if someone is trying to reach me and I don’t reply right away?” “What if I miss a time-sensitive email?” What if I miss an important news alert, text or phone call?’’ Perhaps we should be thinking, ‘’what if’’, I gain something more positive in return by disconnecting for a while? “What if it affords me more time to do the things that I need and want to do that also enrich my life in some way? What if it makes room for more enjoyable things? What if I become a better manager of my time?
4. Practice makes perfect
As you become more comfortable with the decision to say NO, you will find it much easier to incorporate these steps into your daily routine. You will begin to feel less guilty about your decision. When you find yourself feeling “badly” about your decision, just ask yourself, “Is there really a good reason why I should feel guilty about putting myself first?” I challenge you to not only ask the question of yourself but to truly answer it. When we second guess ourselves, we create an unhealthy habit of ALWAYS putting ourselves second to the needs, wants and concerns of others. If you have difficulty answering that question, you may have to really dig deep and explore the reason(s) why you feel guilty and start there.
This is a work in progress and something I have yet to master. However, these days I am more comfortable with choosing myself first. I am becoming less bothered by what people might say, think, feel or do in response to my decision to prioritize myself.
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